Today an 8 year old said to a almost 9 year old, ” you must be 8 not 9 to be in that grade.” The light in the 9 year old’s eyes dimmed she didn’t meet her friend’s standards. I didn’t have the right words to say but really age only matters when you’re 8 or 9 because when you grow up you rarely ever just associate with people your own age. I heard another little girl say, “i can’t do art or crafts or color or anything!” I looked at her perfectly colored picture, ” who colored that?” I asked.
“I did” She replied. “And it’s terrible?” I asked. “Yes.” she replied. She was confident but only in her assumed failure.
Gun shy to try again, I encouraged him to look for a new job. Try something new. The last time didn’t go so well he admitted. It was intimidating to think he might not be good enough again.
She had worked so hard on her masterpiece but a person very important to her shrugged off the hard work and focused on the insignificant the part that didn’t matter or add value to her art work and that is what she began to focus on too.
A child in their innocence says to another child with a visible disability I feel sorry for you.
A bully in the schoolyard or in the workplace, looks to find the next victim the one who appears to be vulnerable that won’t be able to escape their taunts and words and hits to the soul if not to the face. And they are all the same. Looking at themselves, or looking at others. Declaring that they are Not good enough. Substandard, Failure, Less than.
And they are not aware that they have been lied to, deceived and bought into the culture that does not know grace or unconditional love or joy selfless giving.
They have failed but only in that they have failed to know the truth. That truth is simple but for some reason hard to accept. That simple truth is they are loved with an everlasting love. They are loved despite their successes and despite their failures. They were loved at their worse (that is when He died for them) and He does not love them more when they are at their best. The truth that allows for grace and forgiveness and selfless sacrifice because it has and is all of these things. A truth that will indeed set them free.

On April 2nd, we arrived at Mercy Health Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI.  for Dan to undergo an L5S1 Spinal Fusion.  The surgery went as EXPECTED. He was indeed suffering from a collapsed disc and a compressed nerve.  He was progressing as EXPECTED: walking, climbing the stairs and feeling the pain.  We were EXPECTING to go home after lunch on April 6.  Initially, the EXPECTED date of discharge was Saturday, April 5.  He was dressed and ready to go when he began experiencing terrible pain and discomfort.  He spiked a temperature and lost himself to excruciating pain. He was writhing in bed, covering his eyes, biting his fingers, tossing back and forth but nothing helped.  They moved him from the 3rd floor to critical care unit. I began EXPECTING the medication to work.  He was on several oral medications and finally IV meds for pain and antibiotics to combat any infection.  But still the pain continued. Finally, today almost a week later, he is beginning to improve.  The pain still persists but can be treated with oral medications, no IV pain medications during the day.

I learned something about EXPECTATIONS. We are such creatures of habit.  After something as occurred more than once we begin to EXPECT the same result.  It’s hard to constantly adjust to the reality of the moment when it doesn’t coincide with the expectation of the moment.

I realized that I was afraid of his pain.  That I was expecting it to get worse.  I was expecting him to revert to his most painful self. This type of expectation brings with if fear and anxiety.  It’s easy to do.  You add 1+1 and you always get 2. We find comfort in the knowledge.  Comfort in the familiar and safe and mundane.  When pain is the result, the anticipated response is not easy to deal with.

Everyday it seemed that my expectations were changing.  The fact was, the only expectation I realized was that everything would most likely change.  I felt unbalanced and dizzy.  My mind bounced from one thought to a the next. Reality of the moment dictated the hopes or despair of the next.

That’s when in the chaos, He reminded me that there were expectations I could lean on.  That there were promises I could put my trust in.  There were expectations that wouldn’t change or fail me.  He reminded me of words that were hidden in my heart, ” fear not for I am with you.”  The expectation of not facing this thing alone.  ” My grace is sufficient for you.”  The expectation that no matter what you can get through this.   ” If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask.”   The expectation that I would know what to do.

I began to rest in the Words that brought peace and rest to my soul and then to my mind and finally to my body.  I went home and slept in my own bed.  I observed certain patterns in his behavior,  pain patterns when things were better and when they were worse.  I listened and digested the words of the doctors and realized that maybe if we treated one thing differently there might be a different outcome.  In my heart I knew that I had the answer.

The nurse listened.  (That was the first miracle. )  The doctor with his coat on happened to walk by.  The nurse stopped him and advocated on behalf of her patient.  The doctor made a u turn and did some research.  Go ahead with the treatment he advised.

I arrived the next morning.  He was sitting up eating his breakfast.  He hadn’t eaten breakfast sitting up for several days.  He was unaware that I was there and whispered, ” I prayed in Jesus name and the Holy Spirit just came over me.”

He was helped back to bed. He lay still, quiet.  He began to yawn.  He traveled in his mind from Europe to the China shop but most importantly he said when I asked him where he was ” I am in the healing chamber”.  And he was.  The doctor was concerned and sent him for at CT Scan but everything was fine.

As the days progressed so did Dan. He left the hospital 12 days after his surgery.  Weak but recovering.  He was so thankful as he began to wake up from the slumber and delirium.

Through it all I learned the only thing I can truly expect is that God will never leave me or forsake me.  That His love for me and my husband is complete and everlasting.  That I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  And indeed, His grace is sufficient.