Last night I was too tired to write. Yesterday, I didn’t feel so well.  But I did walk the dog and track my food.  Tonight I went to Planet Fitness with a friend.  It felt good to MOVE.  To do something.  My back yelled at me later when I got home but it was worth it and my friend motrin helped me out.

I was explaining to Dan and my friend how it’s not about what I eat as much as why I am eating. Sometimes I am eating to fill a void.  I need to learn what these voids are and why I try to fill them with artificial satisfaction.

Sometimes it’s just boredom.  Sometimes it’s because I am tired…staying up too late, maybe?  Instead of eating at 1 a.m. I should just go to bed.   Maybe I am lonely or need to be creative or helpful.  Maybe I just need to get up and fold the laundry or sort the box or the basket that’s full of stuff to be sorted just patiently waiting for me.

This decision is a quest.  It’s to discover who I am and why I do what I do and don’t do what I should do in some cases.  I want to become strong physically so I can run that race, or paddle that boat, or hike that trail. But I also want the other kind of strength that makes wise people wise, and mature people mature and godly people godly.

This week I am working on grabbing time and moments and not letting the day just dictate to me what I am going to do but instead be intentional about my day and what I want to accomplish. Maybe that should include first and foremost an invitation to my Lord and Savior as to what His mission is for me that day.  After all, this quest isn’t just about me.  It’s about seeking Him and hiding in Him and in doing so learning who I am.

The week is young.  Can’t wait to see what I discover tomorrow.

Kathy

GIVE THANKS:

• Snowday = sleeping in
• Cold day = sunshine
• Working furnace and hot water heater = heat and hot showers
• Isaiah kept me laughing all day
• Dad got to get out, despite the cold weather, and got his new glasses ( thanks Gary for taking him)
• Midnight doesn’t care if it’s cold outside and has learned how to the throw the ball and catch it…by herself
• Steak -n- Shake has happy hour between 2 – 5 p.m. and I didn’t get the full size shake but the kids size…just the right size for me.
• I am thankful for Dan because he puts up with me when I drive differently than he would
• Eli is writing a paper and he gave me a sneak peek and it’s really good…my kid who didn’t like to write is a pretty good writer after all.  ( I knew he could do it)
• I am thankful that this week was a new beginning for me, a new start and I am making new and better decisions.
• I was very encouraged by a lot of people this week
• God is showing me where I need to tweak my attitude, recognize trigger foods and situations that set me up to fail either in my diet or my dialogue.
• I have decided to count my blessings on very normal, ordinary days and recognize each day is a gift.

Kathy

Dear Barry from Verizon Customer Service:

I am sorry for being a rude customer today.  i was angry and took it out on you.  You did not deserve to be treated like that so I hope you will forgive me.

Kathy

After calling Verizon once again, to reduce the amount on our bill, I felt the frustration that unresolved or poorly resolved anger leads to.  A year ago, we signed the contract thinking it said something other than what it really said and we have been paying for that misguided decision ever since.  Well, we can finally, get on top of it and I had just called customer service to have them make some adjustments.

That’s when Barry started to “explain” things to me.  Just like the others tried to “explain” things to me over the past year.  I lost my temper and told Barry I didn’t want to hear his explanation and I wanted him to take care of the things I asked for not try to educate me on how foolish I was to sign on the dotted line or worse yet….believe the sales person.

In the end, Barry took care of these adjustments and I took care of him having a good day.  I am not proud of my actions. My frustration and anger may be justified but taking it out on someone who has no ability to change things and wasn’t the source of the problem isn’t appropriate.  Why do I feel I can treat Barry or anyone for that matter like that?

The truth is, my problem is I get angry and then try to rationaize it.  Anger is okay, when we deal with it in a way that brings glory to God.  ( In your anger, do not sin.  Doesn’t mean you can’t feel or get angry, it just means you can’t lose it when you’re angry and devalue people by your actions.)

So, this being a more healthier me, doesn’t just revolve around what I eat, or how active I am.  It is about acknowledging my feelings and dealing with things the better way.  I’m not perfect and I like to be in control.  I like to tell people off when it makes me or my situation feel better.

This decision to be a better me isn’t just focused on eating better, moving more and feeling better.  It’s about everything that makes me who I am.  How I see things, how I respond, and how I can make better choices.

Eating wasn’t as much of an issue today.  I made some better choices in that regard.  I am trying to recognize trigger foods. I am telling myself, a box of chocolates, or discounted heart shaped candy does not mean love.

I had to toss my pretty spring valentine boquet of Iris and tuplips out today.  They had blossomed and were beautiful for their time.  When I received them in the 1-800-Flowers box they were wilted and looked like they might not make it. But after a little attention, a little pruning, and arranging in the special water with the solution they responded and opened up.

I think maybe God is working on this flower too.  Sometimes pulling me out of my box and finding me a bit wilted in areas like my temper or tongue. But He’s working on me pruning some of those rough and dead spots off and the water I rest in is full of the Holy Spirit giving me the perfect environment in which to bloom to fully open up.  It’s then when I am open and soaking up His love for me that others will see His beauty in me.

I have decided that I need to pay attention to how I treat others when I feel devalued.

Kathy

Today was more normal.  I worked a shift in the morning and I enjoyed meeting a new client.  The snow was deep where the plows hadn’t yet gone.  The driveway was plowed before I left.  Isaiah’s friend picked him up for school as it was a late start day.  I ran a bunch of errands and had lunch out with my dear husband.

I’m sore tonight.  Probably from the weather and probably from working a little harder than normally at the client’s house.  I am recognizing trigger foods:  oreo cookies, little debbies, stuff like that.  Isaiah asked me what a trigger food was and I told him and he told me “fruit is my trigger food…is that bad?”  No, that’ s not bad! He makes me laugh.

I want to eat better.  I don’t want to be obessed with what I can’t have or what I can have.  I just want to enjoy food and feeling satisfied.  When’s the last time I felt satisfied?  Maybe that’s the question I need to answer.  Food and business won’t satisfy.  I was irrititable on and off today.  I caught myself praying for help, for joy, to shake that feeling off.  God helped me..He always will because He promised to.  Sometimes I forget to ask.

I have decided: to ask God to help me more often and to recognize when I need the help.

Kathy