Just Walking Along

Nov3

This morning I took Midnight for a walk.  The bright sun and cloudless blue sky enticed me out of my normal morning slump and we took a walk.  After several days of dark, dreary Autumn days this was a true gift.  It was still chilly enough for a sweatshirt and hood but by the time I returned to my car, the hood was off and I was warmed up.

Midnight, my lab-beagle mix, enjoyed herself too.  She was distracted by new smells and sounds but we kept up a steady pace just walking along the paved pathway.  We walked around a lake, reserved only for wildlife and occasionally a motor less boat will be seen floating by.  But not this morning, just the dog, some geese and a few other early morning walkers were out and about.

This walk lasted less than 1 hour, I didn’t walk fast by any means.  I enjoyed the moment, the scenery, the cool crisp November air.  When I came home I felt good, energized and happy.  It’s been awhile since I have taken a walk.  It’s almost as good as a candy bar.  I think maybe I will do it again…maybe even tomorrow.

Remind me again why do I care?

Nov1

It’s been a new week, since I started caring again.  One whole week.  I did pretty good.  But i feel that slippery edge coming again.  Where I slide down the slope of denial and complacency and I find myself asking

Where did i put that list again?
You know the one with me on it.  Not me in a selfish way.  Me in the way of, if I don’t take care of me, how can I take care of you? or you? or you?

That list.  The things I have to take care of list.  Where is it?  

So remind me again why I am doing this.  Why I am counting my “points” and watching what I eat.  Why I am walking faster intentionally down the hallways at work. Why did I walk the dog yesterday, even if only for 10 minutes. Why have I spent the money and gone to the meetings and scanned the bar codes to see how it all adds up at the end of the day?

Remind me again why I am doing this.

Because taking care of me isn’t easy… I’m finding that out.  I require rest and healthy food and exercise to feel good and to be productive.

Diabetes is a demanding master and if I don’t rise above it; it will rule me.  It will seek me out and take me down one yummy cookie at a time. The sugar and the lazy mind are it’s favorite things to use to keep me in line.  Eat this and rest a little.  And in time you will be mine and it will be to late to accomplish those things on that list of dreams you have.  That’s how Diabetes acts.  It doesn’t care about me.  It is a monster and wants me to go back to sleep.

Now I remember why it is I care.

Because God has given me so much to do, to share, to dream.  I’m not in the middle of life, I’m at the beginning of living and that is nothing to sleep or sugarcoat through.  God wants me to live this life the best that I can and to enjoy it and Him to the best of my ability, with all my strength, my heart and my soul.

This is not about a diet, or a program or a plan. This is about being. Being here in the moment. Being renewed and energized and full of strength and energy and love to share with others.

Remind me again why I care?  Because it does matter.  Because I matter.  Because He loves me and I matter to Him.

On the road again

Oct28

sometimes i put myself and my health on the bottom of the “things to take care of” list.

isn’t that what i was taught: JOY: Jesus, Others and then Yourself leads to joy in life…and it does

but do others really want me to love them as i have loved myself?

There is a healthy balance somewhere in between putting others first and taking care of me.

Letting myself go, ignoring important health appointments because i don’t want to deal with the possible consequences of not taking care of me, pretending if i just ignore it, it will go away,

but knowing all along inside, i just can’t  let me slide by, i need to find a way to take better care of me

the Lord himself, through the Word has said, that I am created in His image, bought with a price, the actual temple of the Holy Spirit, part of the Bride of Christ. a new creation,

i am taking positive steps, back on the road again to good health

i have taken steps before and i get tripped up by that

frustrated with starting over again instead of seeing victory over this complacency thing

a part of me wonders how long this “spurt” of self-care awareness will last until i stash me away again at the bottom of

the “things i need to take care of list.”

grace says “you can start this road again. just get back up and take one step in the right direction and repeat again, and again and again.”

grace says eliminate from your vocabulary the shame of should or should not and replace it with choose and choose not

i am on the road again.

Staying up late

Oct22

Why oh Why do I stay up so late?

I ask myself this each day at 3 a.m when everyone else in the house is fast asleep

And here I find myself awake.

I haven’t gone to bed yet.  There’s something about this time of the day.

With everyone asleep, even the dog is snoring softly next to my feet.

Just me and the hum, hum, hum, of the furnace or the fridge share this moment.

Nearly silence, total and complete, but then the dog sighs .

Why oh why do I stay up so late?

I know in the morning I will drag my feet.

I will say with great determination at 3 p.m.” tonight I will go to bed early, turn in, before the clock strikes ten…

Or at least by 1:30 a.m. ”

I even set my alarm to remind me that I should be going that direction down the hall

to my comfy bedroom.

But here I sit in the quiet. Typing away, clicking those keys, listening to the clock strike 1, 2, 3 a.m.

And yes, it’s that time again.

To get some rest. To go to bed. To say good night to this little moment of sanctuary, and quiet alone time bliss.

3 hours isn’t enough, but I must get up at 6.

I have obligations that require my wakefulness.

I get to see the sun rise, or the fog lying close to the ground. I get to feel the wet dew as it lingers on the ground.

A few chores and a chat with the folks upstairs and then I will excuse myself to get back to my chair.

Where at last I will surrender and sleep will finally win.  And I will complain that I slept my day away again.

Because I can’t seem to understand or turn this thing around

Why Oh Why must I go to bed now?!

Begin Again….again.

Oct12

Awhile back I bought a book by Joyce Meyer entitled You Can Begin  Again. http://www.joycemeyer.org/promo/beginagain/index.aspx

I haven’t read it yet.  Only the title as I have moved it from the car to the car trunk to the coffee table, from under the stack of stuff that covered it on the coffee table, to the laundry basket where it still sits.  It is calling out to me.  Hey, Kathy, this is for you..  yes you….You can begin again too. I haven’t even cracked the cover.  I haven’t read one page, not even the back of the book.  Just the title is enough.

My problem lies with the “again” part.  It’s not hard to just begin something random.  Something I enjoy doing.  I have no problem beginning that candy bar, or chocolate rice crispy treat, or the stale cracker jacks eyeing me from the bar in the family room.  That is not hard at all. I can begin again on those things over and over without thought or care in the world.

I bought my son a doughnut but really I bought myself a doughnut.  I gave him the doughnut and took one myself.  He did not eat his and when I began to eat mine he suggested in his kind and sweet way, because he can really be kind and sweet, he said we should take the dog for a walk because she needs to lose some weight.  He did not say I needed to walk because I need to lose some weight.  He suggested it would be fun to work out.  I teased him saying, “really, you think I should work out”  while flaunting the chocolate covered chocolate doughnut at him.  I said I should take his suggestion more personally, more seriously.  He said, “Mom you should take yourself more seriously.”  Just the way he said it.  Mom make this personal.  You’re missing the mark. I care about you.  How can I help you? were the words he didn’t say but implied.

And like the awesome mom I am, I blew him off, put him off and laughed him off.  I finished my doughnut.  His remains 3 days later still in the bag.  His words ring in my heart and my head.  And I see the title in my head from the book I haven’t read yet “You can begin again.”  And I know, I know I need to begin again.

I had a good talk with a good friend earlier tonight.  She is going through her  stuff and I am going through my stuff.  And I have always prided myself as not having much stuff to go through.

But I’m trying to be less judgmental and more honest because I can’t help my friend if I’m not willing to help myself.

I can’t tolerate  an “I’m okay” when my whole world is falling apart answer from her if I am willing to give the same answer and expect her to tolerate it from me.  So, when she asked me how I was doing…I was honest.

I shared with her how I was doing in regards to taking care of myself and she rose to the occasion.  Our struggles while different have a thread of sameness in them.  They isolate us.  They consume us.  They control us.  They fight to own us.

But when we share them we rise above them and we don’t say  “Oh, stop it ” Or “You can’t do that.”  We say stuff like “how can I help you.” We say stuff like,” You don’t disappoint me”.  And we think up ways to hold each other accountable.

I am tired of beginning again.  But it’s time to begin again.  Begin to take care of myself better.  Baby steps.  I have a goal in mind for this week.  My friend helped me figure out one thing to work on.  We’re going to check in with each other.

So here’s to the word. Again.

Thank God for the word Again.

For second chances and infinite chances to begin again.

Galatians 6:9 (NIV) ” Let us not become weary in doing good….”https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%206:9