Right now, the place in life I find myself in is somewhat limiting.  That is not a negative thing, although some may think so.  Limitations aren’t necessarily bad things.  A budget is a limit, and it protects from seeing overdraft fees at the bank.  Stop signs are limits they protect from getting into an accident.  I used to give the boys a limit on how far they could ride their bikes.  Now, they can ride their bikes as far as they want.  That’s because times have changed and those limits aren’t needed anymore.

Right now, my husband needs me, my kids need me, my dog needs me, my parents need me and my job needs me.  This means my time has demands on it which prevent me from doing some things I would normally like to do.  I have decided not to teach Sunday school to 3rd graders anymore, resigned from the missions committee, and stopped volunteering at LOVE INC. This way I can be home to do what I need to do.  I like my life it’s a good trade off.

But I still want to give something back to the “community”, to my church family etc.,  So, what I have to offer is this one thing.  My humble little blog.  Not very many visit here but I hope when some do they will leave feeling strangely human but touched by the knowledge that in the bareness of our humanity is grace.  A grace that wildly accepts us where we are at within our limits or out of bounds.  Grace that accepts us at whatever point we find ourselves in: the mountain peak or the deep valley.  Grace that encourages us to reach out with the same grace we have received and invite others to join us.

So this one thing I offer.  I will come here from time to time and I will write.  I offer it to Him and hope that He makes it what He wants it to be.

If I am guilty of anything, it’s of having an apathetic attitude, distant and uncaring.  Sounds cold, doesn’t it.  Doesn’t sound like the person you know, or that I know either.  But it’s me, I am guilty.  Pastor preached about it awhile ago.  And after a summer long “church funk”, I had to admit, there is a strong spirit of apathy in me.  Apathy, that feeling, or lack there of, of connecting, and caring to connect.

I see it all around me, and maybe it’s rubbed off.  I am not apathetic towards everything. I am compassionate to my residents at work, kind for the most part towards most, but I am apathetic towards the church.

For many years, I have stated I am neither a democratic or a republican rather, I belong to the Cynical party. We pride ourselves in sarcasm and complaining. We shake our heads instead of bending our knees. We think we know it all and we are out of tune with even the basic needs of those around us.

But today is a new day, a day when it’s harder and harder to draw the line between politics and religion. Separation of Church and State has made it impossible to sit on the fence. Or, soon to be impossible. It isn’t comfortable sitting on the fence anyways. It’s hard to balance on that post. And God knows, I’m not the only one sitting on the fence.

I told my son tonight, things aren’t the way they were years ago, and they aren’t going to stay the same as they are today. We need to focus first on being right with Jesus.  We need to make sure we are in His Word and hiding it in our hearts. Sharing His love with… everybody.

And so, I have taken some time to write my prayer of repentance. Repentance for having a self-imposed disconnect with God’s people, and my purpose in the Church. Repentance for allowing myself to stop crying. To stop feeling because the weight of the world is so crushing sometimes it threatens to overcome.

So, yesterday, I’m reading my online Bible App https://www.youversion.com/ and the verse for today was Psalm 16:11 “You will make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; In your right hand are pleasures forever” (NASB) and I realized that in this crazy world I am living in I can have clarity, direction and joy all at the same time.

This is my prayer of repentance, there is one for everyone. There are others who can relate to my apathy. There are others who know the name for their issue. But there is One who can change the heart and make it new. He gives hope and help to all who ask. And He has loved us with an everlasting love.

Change starts with me.

My prayer:

Lord:

There are so many “what if’s”. I am afraid.

Forgive me for my apathy.

Apathy towards this wonderful life you’ve given me. This beautiful body I have neglected and misused.

Apathy towards your Word, I have avoided, or ignored, taken for granted.

Apathy towards your Church which I have pointed my finger at and resisted. Nearly forsaking the meeting together because of my apathy. Because of my lack of ownership in the Body, my refusal to believe that I have a role in it, a responsibility to fulfill, a purpose in it.

Lord: Make known to me the path of life; fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal (lasting) pleasures favor me. (Psalm 16:11)

This world seems upside down. The obvious obscured, there is no rhyme nor reason, fiction has become reality. Only in You will I find clarity, hope and peace. The future scares me. But all I have is THIS moment. Right NOW. Help me not to waste another one.

In Jesus I pray,

Amen

Psalm 25:8-9
“Good and upright is the Lord.  Therefore, He instructs sinners in His way”.
The prompt to ask God for help is more than just me recognizing that I need help.  It’s the Holy Spirit setting me up to SUCCEED.  It’s an opportunity to OBEY. 
My journey in this walk with Jesus isn’t so much about that day years ago where I recognized my need for a Him as my Savior.  It’s not about the moment PASSED. It’s about the NOW moment and how I respond to the help my Helper is prompting me to ask for.

When I recognize the prompt to ask for God’s help I am faced with a choice to ask and receive that help which I know will result in successful obedience for His better plan for me or ignore the prompt, refuse to acknowledge my need for help and regret later, failing again.
I can either harden my heart or humble my heart. One leads to failure the other to freedom. 

Today at churchhttp://georgetownbiblechurch.com Pastor Garry preached about the importance of having a safe place to go when life gets challenging.  The church should be that place.  But for a lot of us instead of a safe place it’s a painful place.  A place where hurt occurred instead of healing.  For a long time I cringed inwardly when it came time to greet others shake hands and say hello.  For a long time I tried to avoid the smiling, more than likely sincere greeters who stand at the doorway saying hello to the rest of us on our way into the worship service. 
The avoidance isn’t because I am antisocial. In fact, I long for the safe fellowship preached about this morning.  The avoidance,  the withdrawal is from a memory of the hot stove.  If you touch it or get to close it will hurt.
Thankfully though I am learning to identify what things burn and what things warm and I see changes.  For example,  I moved out of my seat today and down the aisle and shook hands with a couple from my small group. A year ago I would not have even seen them let alone sought them. I don’t think I am ready to sign up to be on the greeting committee yet but I am making progress. 
I am learning that a safe place is not a perfect place but instead it is a place of grace. 

I’m still here.  Isn’t easy to follow your familiar path.  It’s hard to venture out to make new paths.  But I haven’t forgotten that I have decided….to make those new paths.

It’s not so much now about that decision it’s more about making the smaller decisions like to get out an exercise instead of staying inside my comfy house snoozing the time away.  I have the tools and the support so there are no excuses.

I thought today that either I will discipline my body or my body will discipline me.  Great thought. Sounds even better when I write it down.  But….it’s easier thought/written down than done.  I am not looking for sympathy.  I am just trying to be honest with myself.

I have decided that I need to take better care of myself.  Now I have decide to do it…again… and then again….and then again….
But isn’t that the way we do things, change things, grow.  The Bible says to forgive 70×70.  I think that set the precedent.  It’s rarely we accomplish anything in the first time around.  How many perfect papers were written the first time?  Only God has the right to brag because it took Him just the first time to do anything right ( creation to name one).

Tonight I am writing to remind myself not to give up.  Not to give in. Not to settle.  I am not discouraged but I have to admit I am a bit indifferent, complacent possibly.  I am used to the familiar path and it’s very easy to just keep going down it and say that I am doing something different.

But the path is worn out in the same places and the path has the same deceiving look of satisfaction and the path leads to the same place.  Kathy, choose better. Turn now.  You can do this.  

2nd Corthians 5:17 (NASB)

¹⁷ Therefore if anyone is in Christ, [a]he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Kathy