Tag Archive | choices

On the road again

Oct28

sometimes i put myself and my health on the bottom of the “things to take care of” list.

isn’t that what i was taught: JOY: Jesus, Others and then Yourself leads to joy in life…and it does

but do others really want me to love them as i have loved myself?

There is a healthy balance somewhere in between putting others first and taking care of me.

Letting myself go, ignoring important health appointments because i don’t want to deal with the possible consequences of not taking care of me, pretending if i just ignore it, it will go away,

but knowing all along inside, i just can’t  let me slide by, i need to find a way to take better care of me

the Lord himself, through the Word has said, that I am created in His image, bought with a price, the actual temple of the Holy Spirit, part of the Bride of Christ. a new creation,

i am taking positive steps, back on the road again to good health

i have taken steps before and i get tripped up by that

frustrated with starting over again instead of seeing victory over this complacency thing

a part of me wonders how long this “spurt” of self-care awareness will last until i stash me away again at the bottom of

the “things i need to take care of list.”

grace says “you can start this road again. just get back up and take one step in the right direction and repeat again, and again and again.”

grace says eliminate from your vocabulary the shame of should or should not and replace it with choose and choose not

i am on the road again.

Staying up late

Oct22

Why oh Why do I stay up so late?

I ask myself this each day at 3 a.m when everyone else in the house is fast asleep

And here I find myself awake.

I haven’t gone to bed yet.  There’s something about this time of the day.

With everyone asleep, even the dog is snoring softly next to my feet.

Just me and the hum, hum, hum, of the furnace or the fridge share this moment.

Nearly silence, total and complete, but then the dog sighs .

Why oh why do I stay up so late?

I know in the morning I will drag my feet.

I will say with great determination at 3 p.m.” tonight I will go to bed early, turn in, before the clock strikes ten…

Or at least by 1:30 a.m. ”

I even set my alarm to remind me that I should be going that direction down the hall

to my comfy bedroom.

But here I sit in the quiet. Typing away, clicking those keys, listening to the clock strike 1, 2, 3 a.m.

And yes, it’s that time again.

To get some rest. To go to bed. To say good night to this little moment of sanctuary, and quiet alone time bliss.

3 hours isn’t enough, but I must get up at 6.

I have obligations that require my wakefulness.

I get to see the sun rise, or the fog lying close to the ground. I get to feel the wet dew as it lingers on the ground.

A few chores and a chat with the folks upstairs and then I will excuse myself to get back to my chair.

Where at last I will surrender and sleep will finally win.  And I will complain that I slept my day away again.

Because I can’t seem to understand or turn this thing around

Why Oh Why must I go to bed now?!

Begin Again….again.

Oct12

Awhile back I bought a book by Joyce Meyer entitled You Can Begin  Again. http://www.joycemeyer.org/promo/beginagain/index.aspx

I haven’t read it yet.  Only the title as I have moved it from the car to the car trunk to the coffee table, from under the stack of stuff that covered it on the coffee table, to the laundry basket where it still sits.  It is calling out to me.  Hey, Kathy, this is for you..  yes you….You can begin again too. I haven’t even cracked the cover.  I haven’t read one page, not even the back of the book.  Just the title is enough.

My problem lies with the “again” part.  It’s not hard to just begin something random.  Something I enjoy doing.  I have no problem beginning that candy bar, or chocolate rice crispy treat, or the stale cracker jacks eyeing me from the bar in the family room.  That is not hard at all. I can begin again on those things over and over without thought or care in the world.

I bought my son a doughnut but really I bought myself a doughnut.  I gave him the doughnut and took one myself.  He did not eat his and when I began to eat mine he suggested in his kind and sweet way, because he can really be kind and sweet, he said we should take the dog for a walk because she needs to lose some weight.  He did not say I needed to walk because I need to lose some weight.  He suggested it would be fun to work out.  I teased him saying, “really, you think I should work out”  while flaunting the chocolate covered chocolate doughnut at him.  I said I should take his suggestion more personally, more seriously.  He said, “Mom you should take yourself more seriously.”  Just the way he said it.  Mom make this personal.  You’re missing the mark. I care about you.  How can I help you? were the words he didn’t say but implied.

And like the awesome mom I am, I blew him off, put him off and laughed him off.  I finished my doughnut.  His remains 3 days later still in the bag.  His words ring in my heart and my head.  And I see the title in my head from the book I haven’t read yet “You can begin again.”  And I know, I know I need to begin again.

I had a good talk with a good friend earlier tonight.  She is going through her  stuff and I am going through my stuff.  And I have always prided myself as not having much stuff to go through.

But I’m trying to be less judgmental and more honest because I can’t help my friend if I’m not willing to help myself.

I can’t tolerate  an “I’m okay” when my whole world is falling apart answer from her if I am willing to give the same answer and expect her to tolerate it from me.  So, when she asked me how I was doing…I was honest.

I shared with her how I was doing in regards to taking care of myself and she rose to the occasion.  Our struggles while different have a thread of sameness in them.  They isolate us.  They consume us.  They control us.  They fight to own us.

But when we share them we rise above them and we don’t say  “Oh, stop it ” Or “You can’t do that.”  We say stuff like “how can I help you.” We say stuff like,” You don’t disappoint me”.  And we think up ways to hold each other accountable.

I am tired of beginning again.  But it’s time to begin again.  Begin to take care of myself better.  Baby steps.  I have a goal in mind for this week.  My friend helped me figure out one thing to work on.  We’re going to check in with each other.

So here’s to the word. Again.

Thank God for the word Again.

For second chances and infinite chances to begin again.

Galatians 6:9 (NIV) ” Let us not become weary in doing good….”https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%206:9

Day 6

Feb22

Today I slept in until almost noon.  It’s Saturday.  I sleep in on Saturdays.  My room stays dark like night so unless I look at the clock I have no idea how late it is.  That’s okay because on Saturday I have permission to sleep in….permission from myself.

I started cleaning the shelves in the laundry room when my friend from college called me.  We haven’t talked in a very long time.  But she is the kind of friend where we pick up where we left off.  We talked for almost 2 hours when I had to get going but we still have some catch up to do so I think another call is needed.

Tonight Dan and Isaiah and I went to see River City Improv in Grand Rapids.  It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything of that nature.  It was nice to get out during the evening and actually do something.  MidNight did well with the folks and settled down nicely after her evening snack of pop corn and time spent chewing her bone.

Mom is planning on going to church with me and Isaiah in the morning.  She will be glad that she did because she really likes to go…it’s just the getting up and getting out that’s hard.

I think if there is a word I need to explore and think about for the next few weeks it would be “intentional”.  The past couple days I have just gone along with the rhythm of the day. I didn’t really set out to accomplish much. I didn’t really make time to be active. I didn’t track what I was eating.  I think part of what I need to learn to do is be more intentional about my day. When will I do “X” and what will I eat.  How will I spend my time?  Where will I compromise and go with the flow and where will I be structured and determined to follow an intentional guideline?

My goal for tomorrow:  Be intentional about taking a walk with Isaiah and MidNight.  Be intentional about tracking what I eat.

My goal for the week:  Go to planet fitness one to two times for 1/2 hour each time.

This week

  • I have decided to be intentional on how I spend my day and to resist letting it slip by .I have decided to take better care of myself. 
  • I have decided that I need to pay attention to how I treat others when I feel devalued.
  • I have decided to count my blessings on very normal, ordinary days and recognize each day is a gift.
  • I have decided: to ask God to help me more often and to recognize when I need the help.
  • I have decided that: it just isn’t worth getting all upset about stuff…God is good…and He’s got this.

Kathy

February 16, 2015 Day 1

Feb17

I did something a bit risky last night around the same time as I am writing now.  I wrote on FB about my need to change the way I take care of myself.  I identified myself as a caregiver, which I am, both at home ( caring for my parents and family) and professionally ( caring for the elderly).  It took me a long time to embrace the title of caregiver.  But I know that’s what I have been called to do and I know that’s what my passion is.

I shared how I do not take care of myself like I should and simply asked for a bit of prayer and encouragement.  I was overwhelmed with the response I received.  I had no idea that many people would pray for me or express their belief in me and their love for me.  It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart and face.

Today I began this journey.  I stayed faithful in tracking what I ate.  I walked the dog with Isaiah after school and I kept busy.  I resisted the urge to give into that wave of sleepiness and desire to just sit and watch t.v…watch really, the day go by.  I did good today.

But the biggest thing I learned today, is that I am loved by a lot of people.  There are a lot of people who have decided too, to pray for me, to lift me up with their words of encouragement and that feels really good.  So…if you are reading this…thank you.  You have no idea how good it feels to have been a result of your choice to respond to my request.  I feel tonight, very blessed.

I plan to journal daily, right here, so feel free to join me.

Kathy